Tomorrow (or rather today by the time I post this), I find out whether I got in to the Backcountry Trails program. If I do, it means I have a month to gather together all I need for it and organize a goodbye party, and if I don't, I'll probably be trying to arrange for a backup plan (because, frankly, I had one, but it was a stupid one based on something that didn't work out anyway). Either way, it means I'll know something pretty decisive about the next few months of my life. And very much I like the idea of that, since my life has felt sort of directionless lately without school or a job to occupy my time. It should be nice to have some idea of what I'll be doing.
On another note (if it's a musical one, this entry is a triad of sorts)... I've been trying hard to listen to as much music as possible lately. I've found a decent number of bands I have never heard before, and some very beautiful stuff. Among the most beautiful of all, oddly enough, was a video game soundtrack. It was Ecco the Dolphin: Defender of the Future's soundtrack... I had heard one or two tracks from this wonderful two disk masterpiece before, but I decided to give it a listen all the way through today, and I was blown away. It makes me sad that the main composer of the music, Tim Follin, is no longer making game music. The music is incredibly lush and atmospheric, and also does more than most video game music; it flows very well as an album. The two hours that I was listening to it went by almost without me noticing it, because I was so immersed in it. Anyway, I won't say any more about it... other than, if you like atmospheric music, give it a listen sometime. My favorite tracks on the album are "Aquamarine Bay", "Pathways from Nowhere", "Roaring Forces - The Chase", "Process that Never Ends", and "Passage from Genesis".
And, the final note: It's strange... in this last week I feel like I've been... regressing? I don't know if that really sums up how I've been feeling. I mean, usually regression implies bad things, but I've been feeling pretty good on the whole lately. Maybe peeling back layers is the right term? I don't know. But I have noticed that when it comes to attraction to people, I've been moving "backwards". In backwards chronological order, I've been noticing (again) every person I've been attracted to since I stopped going to Cabrillo. And I also thought that the oldest, most powerful one was over, finished, done... and it came back to bite me again. Yeah, with nothing to distract me, my attention points northeast. I wonder if I'll ever be able to rid myself of it?
I think I'll need to visit Canada once I get back after this summer. This has gone on long enough, and I need to cement the fact in my head that this endless fucking cursed attraction can never become anything besides torment and dreams on repeat. And did I mention that the dreams are the absolute worst part, since they're the most tantalizingly real dreams I've ever had?
I guess all I can do is simply concentrate on my life and the challenges that I'm facing now. There are enough good things in my life at the moment that I can put the summer of 2005 out of my mind, and what it did to me. And I'll try to learn to live with my little burden. After all, what I carry around is nothing compared to the weight some people carry on their shoulders.
So... I think I'll make a toast to the future, and to boundless possibility. And to life. Because "life is much too short to be whiled away with tears." (Thank you Mariusz Duda)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment