I have a lot to learn

I always have, I suppose. And I always will. But especially on the subject of relationships, I have quite a lot to learn right now in my life. The most difficult thing in the world for me, I think, is learning to give someone space to think. And learning when to say "enough". I have a powerful urge to listen to people as they rant about a subject, even if the conclusions they come to are painful ones. Even if I have no place in that part of their world. My desire to be an empathic person, I have discovered, can be taken too far. There is a point in conversation where people can end up talking about the same things over and over again, and there is no point in repeating the same lachrymose scenario over and over. It just isn't productive for anyone, and it's painful every time.

When you like someone a lot, you inevitably make mistakes if you are around them often enough. Mine has been a lack of flexibility, I think. I am simply not a very adaptive creature in some circumstances. And so when closeness turns to distance, when presence turns to homesickness, when ex boyfriends are involved as closer friends than I will ever be, my natural reaction is to want closeness, to want presence, to want to stop hearing about... yeah. And sometimes, what people need in their lives is that distance.

I am naturally a clingy person. It's what caused my first "relationship" (if you'd call it such; it was short lived, and a summer camp thing) to end. And it probably had a strong effect on my others (which were also short lived). I won't let it be the downfall of this one. But damn, it's hard. Overcoming personal challenges is harder than the most brutal rock work. Harder than hiking 20 miles in a day. My mind can will my body to do amazing things. It performed brilliantly this summer, when I needed it to. But its control over itself is pretty limited. Habits are hard to suppress. I think it's high time I learned how to loosen my grip without fully letting go.

I can do it. I have done harder things. Letting go of my memories of Tara while still holding them as a part of myself was probably the most difficult, long suffering mental challenge I've experienced. If I can do that, I can find it in myself to respect someone's boundaries. I know I can.

After all...

"We could've missed another day
Not knowing how to talk,
Where to go
We could've missed another night
Only... For what?"