I have a lot to learn

I always have, I suppose. And I always will. But especially on the subject of relationships, I have quite a lot to learn right now in my life. The most difficult thing in the world for me, I think, is learning to give someone space to think. And learning when to say "enough". I have a powerful urge to listen to people as they rant about a subject, even if the conclusions they come to are painful ones. Even if I have no place in that part of their world. My desire to be an empathic person, I have discovered, can be taken too far. There is a point in conversation where people can end up talking about the same things over and over again, and there is no point in repeating the same lachrymose scenario over and over. It just isn't productive for anyone, and it's painful every time.

When you like someone a lot, you inevitably make mistakes if you are around them often enough. Mine has been a lack of flexibility, I think. I am simply not a very adaptive creature in some circumstances. And so when closeness turns to distance, when presence turns to homesickness, when ex boyfriends are involved as closer friends than I will ever be, my natural reaction is to want closeness, to want presence, to want to stop hearing about... yeah. And sometimes, what people need in their lives is that distance.

I am naturally a clingy person. It's what caused my first "relationship" (if you'd call it such; it was short lived, and a summer camp thing) to end. And it probably had a strong effect on my others (which were also short lived). I won't let it be the downfall of this one. But damn, it's hard. Overcoming personal challenges is harder than the most brutal rock work. Harder than hiking 20 miles in a day. My mind can will my body to do amazing things. It performed brilliantly this summer, when I needed it to. But its control over itself is pretty limited. Habits are hard to suppress. I think it's high time I learned how to loosen my grip without fully letting go.

I can do it. I have done harder things. Letting go of my memories of Tara while still holding them as a part of myself was probably the most difficult, long suffering mental challenge I've experienced. If I can do that, I can find it in myself to respect someone's boundaries. I know I can.

After all...

"We could've missed another day
Not knowing how to talk,
Where to go
We could've missed another night
Only... For what?"

Fucking finally

It feels SO good to have that off my chest. I can now leave with no second thoughts or doubts about things. It's just ridiculous that it took FIVE MONTHS to figure it out.

The truth stings a little, but it stings sooo good.

If you know what I'm talking about, you win something I guess. Maybe the right to shave my head come saturday? :)

I have been busy

Buzzing around doing as much as possible. I have run three miles in 25 minutes, I have been buried under piles of people, I have crept around in the dark wielding rubber bands, I have driven to Monterey, I have ridden my bike to town from my house every day for a week. I have stayed out of my house for 3 days straight, I have gone to a concert consisting of one amazing band and one absolutely shitty one, I have recorded music, I have sat on top of a train car and watched the sun go down with some amazing people, I have been part of a group so large that the police harassed us, I have debated about politics with complete strangers, and I have heard stories about the Kha'Nos, a fictional species of space whales from which life springs, as if they were planets.

I am happy.

Well, except that little fucking mystery that's still there in the back of my mind. But I have decided that, if need be, it can wait until I get back in September (damn though, that'll make it almost a year since I met her). I guess I might be able to figure everything out on the 11th of april, but who knows whether she'll even decide to come. I'm glad it doesn't matter as much anymore.

In the mean time, I'm going to Portland, Oregon for a week, tomorrow I think. It should be awesome... I've heard so much about it, and it'll be great to finally go there. I'm excited.

It's amazing what limited time does to perspective

So, as I've told many people, I recently found out I was accepted to the Back Country Trails program. I've not been quite as excited for anything in a long time, it's done something absolutely remarkable to the way I approach things, and I'm starting to think it's one of the most wonderful feelings ever. It's hard to sum up everything I'm feeling because of it, but I suppose I could try.

Some things that have come to mind: no responsibility except to myself, the ability to flirt shamelessly without worrying about whether I'd be compatible with people relationship-wise, a feeling that I have limited time, so I have to live as much as possible within that time... not caring about deadlines for anything besides the CCC, unfettered confidence because I almost feel like nothing I do or say matters that much because I'm leaving...

I don't know if that sums it up perfectly, but it at least brushes the surface of the absolute elation I've been having these days. There have been small let downs (attempting to find out what the hell was going on inside someone's head, and getting basically completely cut off, seeing a certain two people together and thinking "damn it, that might have been me"), but they are only small eddies in the rising tide of happiness I've been swept up in.

It took a few months, but compared to how I used to be, I think I've successfully turned my life around. Thank goodness.

Tomorrow/Beautiful Music/Steps Backward

Tomorrow (or rather today by the time I post this), I find out whether I got in to the Backcountry Trails program. If I do, it means I have a month to gather together all I need for it and organize a goodbye party, and if I don't, I'll probably be trying to arrange for a backup plan (because, frankly, I had one, but it was a stupid one based on something that didn't work out anyway). Either way, it means I'll know something pretty decisive about the next few months of my life. And very much I like the idea of that, since my life has felt sort of directionless lately without school or a job to occupy my time. It should be nice to have some idea of what I'll be doing.

On another note (if it's a musical one, this entry is a triad of sorts)... I've been trying hard to listen to as much music as possible lately. I've found a decent number of bands I have never heard before, and some very beautiful stuff. Among the most beautiful of all, oddly enough, was a video game soundtrack. It was Ecco the Dolphin: Defender of the Future's soundtrack... I had heard one or two tracks from this wonderful two disk masterpiece before, but I decided to give it a listen all the way through today, and I was blown away. It makes me sad that the main composer of the music, Tim Follin, is no longer making game music. The music is incredibly lush and atmospheric, and also does more than most video game music; it flows very well as an album. The two hours that I was listening to it went by almost without me noticing it, because I was so immersed in it. Anyway, I won't say any more about it... other than, if you like atmospheric music, give it a listen sometime. My favorite tracks on the album are "Aquamarine Bay", "Pathways from Nowhere", "Roaring Forces - The Chase", "Process that Never Ends", and "Passage from Genesis".

And, the final note: It's strange... in this last week I feel like I've been... regressing? I don't know if that really sums up how I've been feeling. I mean, usually regression implies bad things, but I've been feeling pretty good on the whole lately. Maybe peeling back layers is the right term? I don't know. But I have noticed that when it comes to attraction to people, I've been moving "backwards". In backwards chronological order, I've been noticing (again) every person I've been attracted to since I stopped going to Cabrillo. And I also thought that the oldest, most powerful one was over, finished, done... and it came back to bite me again. Yeah, with nothing to distract me, my attention points northeast. I wonder if I'll ever be able to rid myself of it?

I think I'll need to visit Canada once I get back after this summer. This has gone on long enough, and I need to cement the fact in my head that this endless fucking cursed attraction can never become anything besides torment and dreams on repeat. And did I mention that the dreams are the absolute worst part, since they're the most tantalizingly real dreams I've ever had?

I guess all I can do is simply concentrate on my life and the challenges that I'm facing now. There are enough good things in my life at the moment that I can put the summer of 2005 out of my mind, and what it did to me. And I'll try to learn to live with my little burden. After all, what I carry around is nothing compared to the weight some people carry on their shoulders.

So... I think I'll make a toast to the future, and to boundless possibility. And to life. Because "life is much too short to be whiled away with tears." (Thank you Mariusz Duda)

Adventures and things

These last few days have been a welcome break from the regularity of Santa Cruz. I went up to Char, Allegra, Sam, and Leif's house (of course other people live there, but I know it as that just because I only just met the other residents), and hung out with everyone in that house for 3 days, and those three days were amazing. We went various places around Berkeley and Oakland, and I met a bunch of very interesting people that feel like the kind of people I would be extremely comfortable living with in the long term. Forrest, Zoe, Rubin, Josh, Miero... all of them seemed, at first impression, awesome. I want to get to know them all better.

Life has been good to me lately.

Also, I ran into Mandy's friend Johanna today, and we hung out for a brief time. I think I might have solved a bit of the mystery surrounding both of them too, and I found out Mandy is working at Jamba Juice now, so one of these days before I leave (I am currently assuming that I will get into the back country trails program. Though if I don't, I still will probably leave for Hawaii at some point to do work with my dad), I'll have to go and visit her. I think I approached things wrong last time, so I want to make up for it before I leave.

But Paula also was surprisingly smiley today. "It was really good to see you" I think was what she said. Something like that. It makes me wonder sometimes whether I'm putting my effort in the right places or not.

Ah well, life is too good these days for it really to be something to worry about. What happens happens.

Despite the rain, I think the clouds are clearing (a blog with very few omissions)

For the last week or two, I don't think I can honestly say I was completely happy. There were good moments scattered here and there, like recording music with Chris Molden, walking on westcliff with Cassia, or going over to Chris and Ian Arthur's house and playing Noby Noby Boy with Chris, Keanan, Sequoyah, and Cedar... but for the most part I don't think I really had gotten over what happened february 19th.

But today, I'm not entirely sure what happened. Everything suddenly seemed lighter. I looked in the mirror this morning, and one thing I notice first about when I'm depressed is that my eyes don't reflect light. And they were practically glowing with refectivity today.

I went downtown at around 2:00 this afternoon, and I had a weird feeling of expectancy once I got there that good things were going to happen. I wandered around for a bit, then talked to Kim, Savanna's mom for a little while. She's actually a really cool person, and I hadn't really had a lengthy conversation with her before, so it was nice. We talked about all sorts of stuff, and she gave me a discount on the coffee I bought too. It also made me think of how long it's been since I last saw Savanna. I think I need to change that.

Then I went and bought Steven Wilson's solo album Insurgentes, which I am listening to now. Oddly, I had somewhat low expectations for it, and so far, they're being blown out of the water. It's just... so good, but in a really different way than the rest of the stuff he's done. I really want to get a chance to hear the surround sound version, but I don't have the sound system for it, so I guess I'll wait a little while. But still, even in regular stereo, it's just so well put together. It's not quite like Lunatic Soul, which is by far my favorite recent album, but it's probably going to get a lot of listens in the next few weeks. No Twilight Within the Courts of the Sun is amazing. It's one of those songs that sends shivers up and down my spine.

I also hung out with Myjah today for the first time since before she, Paula, and Jack left for Oregon and Washington. It turns out, she had also been having just as shitty a week as I had, for similar reasons even. She said at one point "get out of my head!" in a half joking way, and it made me think, why don't I see her more often? Though she was having a sort of shitty day, we got to talk to each other a bit about our recent difficulties, and it made things a lot better. We had delicious soup at her house, visited Paula at work, then drove out to Cabrillo to get her car towed (the transmission had problems) then hurried back to Santa Cruz so I could get a ride home with Steve.

Now, I probably would have hung out with her longer if it weren't for another amazing thing that happened today: my mom called me while I was over at Myjah's and told me that I had gotten a call from the CCC about the back country trails program, saying my interview was scheduled for tomorrow, and that the person who called said my application was strong. Considering the fact that I've been basically waiting to find out about that for the last few weeks, and that's all I was really doing... it came as a welcome relief from all the waiting. I've felt a lot like my actions were completely futile in most of the recent situations I've dealt with (the whole thing with Mandy... that was the worst possible feeling), and finally being able to accomplish something on my own is something I've really not been able to do for MONTHS now it feels like.

Also, I stopped by Saturn Cafe briefly to say happy birthday to Evan, and he was curious about Yggdrasil Engulfed, my project with Chris Molden. Bill complemented me on my beard... man, it just seems like one thing after another was perfect today. Even the ride home, where I talked with Steve about Micaela and her computer addiction, didn't seem to have the sad untertones it would have had my day been better. And not to mention, I showed Insurgentes to Steve, and he enjoyed it a lot.

It's been an amazing day. I'm pretty surprised at everything that's happened. I think part of the reason it was so amazing is that yesterday, I resolved to myself that I was going to find out what happened to Mandy... I'm not really sure why this helped, but everything feels like it's much more in my grasp this time for some reason. I can't explain it. But I like this feeling. A lot.

Let's hope it decides to stick around.